10K done, up and down

So its been 2 weeks since my last update, and a bit has happen,

1st good stuff,  I did my next mini milestone, and run the whole 10KM ASCIS Run, another first for me, time was 1:11mins 50sec. So was well under my 1:20 that I was aiming for, which is fantastic and that I ran the whole lot non stop was even better. Even more pleased that on my running program I can see that I kept a very even pace for the whole lot which is just where I want to be for the half Marathon training.

I broke the 80's buffer that I seem to of had and seen 79.3kg on the scales. So was very happy with that also.

BUT..... again the circle of crap, been eating bad and have not worked out since Sundays run, scales today where 80.9kg, I don't know why I keep doing this, granted its slowly moving down each time was not long ago that it was getting stuck on the 84 or 86 mark but, I seem to go down 3 up 1 or down 4 up 2. A friend asked me if I really want it, seeing as I keep doing this, I do but keep getting suck.

I am so much fitter now, we have the triathlon this week on the 12wbt program and I was looking at it thinking I could do the advance level as the intermediate seems to easy, what the hell, how far is that from last time I looked at the tri, a year ago when I was crying just getting the email to do it, saying there is no way I can do that at all.
But I want to see the goal weight on the scales I want to fit into the size 12 clothes with no problems or mmmm will it fit me when I buy it of the rack thoughts. I can fit into a lot of size 12 clothes now but only the bigger size ones, and mostly tops my butt and tummy not there yet, but a lot of that is extra skin to, and that is not going to go away.

We are only 4 weeks away from the Melbourne Party for the 12wbt, and I cant get my head in the right place again, I can do things, Yes, this weekend we are doing the relay for Life for Cancer fundraising, and it will be so much fun and such a great time with the 12wbt girls, but inside I feel like a fake, everyone is so proud of me, and how far I have come. Maybe I cant see it, I just see how far I have not finished it. So close but not there yet again. I could of lost this weight 5 times over in the last year but nope, I stuffed around, and feel back into old habits, not as much be they are still there. That worries me as what happens when I finish am I going to go back to old habits and put it all back on.

I feel lost, I feel deflated, I feel sad.